Thao Nguyen's Hate Letter to United Airlines
Zach Hart Monday, September 15, 2008
One of my favorite newcomers of 2008, Thao Nguyen has posted a bit of hate mail to United Airlines on her myspace blog. Pretty funny stuff:
DEAR UNITED FUCKING AIRLINES:
First- i am disappointed to have to be corresponding with you again via myspace and swear words.
Second- I can't help it, you piss me off so much.
Third- Last time you screwed us like you were trying to tighten a bolt I promised you and myself i would never fly with you again, and the only reason I did the other day was because someone else paid for the flight and i didn't want to seem ungrateful.
Fourth- Why do you hire assholes.
All i wanted was to fly a short distance from one city to another with my guitars intact and present when i landed. Due to previous experience with you, I knew the only way that could happen was if i took them with me on the plane to gate check them.
ME (trying to be proactive about gate checking the guitars so i didn't hold up the line): Hi, can i get a couple gate check tags for my guitars before we board?
ASSHOLE UNITED LADY: What? how many guitars do you have?
Me (pointing): two.
A. U. L (looking at guitars): Wait, two? You have two?
Me: ( looking at guitars): yes.
A.U.L: you're kidding me.
A.U.L: there's no way you can take those on board.
Me: Right. can i gate check them?
A.U.L: you can't just bring whatever you want on board. You have 3 items. you're only allowed two.
Me: Right. I just always gate check them, I'd actually only bring 1 bag on board.
A.U.L: No one would allow you to do that.
Me: I always do that. I flew out here like that. When i checked in they said i could gate check them.
A.U.L:(insincere) Right, i'm sure.
So asshole asks for my boarding pass and calls a colleague. she is standing 6 inches from me on the phone.
Asshole: Hi? Patti? it's me. Well! i have a young lady here who has not one, but TWO guitars with her. she wants to check them. and she OF COURSE says that she's always traveled like this. There's no way. I know. Yeah, unbelievable. I KNOW! not one, but two! and she has another bag too! what should i do? these guitars are at least 45 inches long. Get someone else to handle it? Ok OH LOOK here comes cynthia.
A.U.L: Cynthia we have a young lady here who has not one but two guitars and she wants to take them on board.
ME: I had no intention of taking them on board. I'm trying to gate check them.
Cynthia (who is a TINY bit less aggravating then her comrade asshole 1): You can't do that.
ME: (stare.) when i checked in they said i could.
Cynthia (passive aggressive snort): well i really can't see that happening. maybe you confused them. Have you ever considered fed-exing your guitars? i know its expensive but you're going to have to gauge the worth. A lot of people are doing that now.
A.U.L: she says she always does it like this.
Cynthia: Well you certainly can't depend on doing this on a regular basis.
Me: i've always done this.
Cynthia: You should really consider fed-exing your guitars.
Cynthia: Well, we'll check them this time but you really cannot do this again.
Both look at the two guitars and shake their heads.
Me: ok. i hate you. I'm going to punch you both right now in your condescending patronizing unhappy faces. (Proceed to punch both. hard.)
but ACTUALLY i say:
and ACTUALLY i do:
So then they gate check my guitars but only after cynthia trails me down the jetway and ushers them outside on the steps herself and then she stops to whisper about me to the flight attendant at the door of plane and they both look at me and I glare at them and later I refuse on board refreshments cause i don't want your fucking water i'd rather be thirsty and United probably just serves the airplane bathroom sink water that you're not supposed to drink anyway.
In closing: United Airlines, I am someone who doesn't really have strong opinions on many things. I have a very strong and negative opinion of you and everyone with whom you cavort. I hardly ever want to punch. I want to punch all your asshole employees and then physically embody you as an entity in something accessible and punchable and i want to pummel you.
OK thanks have a good day.