The Dumbest Review of all Time

HANK ALTOGETHER:

Anyone who reads us knows a certain perverse fondness that we have for jabbing at the indie-rock Goliath (p4k). Also, anyone who knows us knows that we check the site everyday and that (at least I) am a big fan of what they do. No one is as good a content provider for independent music as Pitchfork. No one. This caveat out of the way, I read perhaps the DUMBEST review on there today.

One of my reasons for loving Pitchfork is that they, generally, seem to have a sense of the bigger picture. They keep most everything in context. Sure, they're catty, ironic fucks, but that's the biz and for a long time they were the cattiest and ironic-ful-ist. The review posted today for Mono's glorious Hymn to the Immortal Wind LP is a total head scratcher.

Go here to read it.

I can't tell if it's supposed to be serious or completely tongue-in-cheek. And to be honest, it's so poorly written and poorly thought out it could go either way. I'm not balking on this because I disagree with the review (you can read my for LEO Weekly here). I can't tell whether to agree or not. That's how bad the writing is. We've had our share of typos on here, but at least we try to think reviews out (to the best of our ability to think).

Here's a choice quotation:

What makes Mono most critic-proof is their goal: to make the listener feel. Much music has this goal, but with Mono it is writ large. Melodies are achingly pretty; climaxes are blitzkriegs of flying hair and frantic strumming. Mono's songs are essentially power ballads. What separates them from Céline Dion is a post-modern sense of cool: no lyrics to make sentiments cheesy, no over-production to earn critical scorn. Because they move slowly, Mono seem more cloaked than Dion. But they drop the hammer just as hard.

So...the only thing that separates Mono and Celine Dion is the fact that one of them uses lyrics? Oh, and everything is a power ballad. I get that. No, wait, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is a power ballad. This album is GOOD. But, the most egregious thing in this last quotation is somehow thinking that not having lyrics is in a "post-modern sense of cool." Has this person ever heard music prior to, oh, I don't know...1960? Did music begin when Lennon met McCartney the same way that a fire starts when you strike flint?

Oh, and music is used to make someone feel something? That's insane. I listen to music so I can do my taxes and so my kid gets smarter and to drive infidels crazy by blaring it really loud at Gitmo. But emotion? C'mon.

Another:

Hymn to the Immortal Wind has probably caused floods of tears. That's a description, not a dis. The melodies are more sure-handed than ever. They are like missiles locked onto emotional buttons..."Everlasting Light" is a good old-fashioned piano ballad that mushrooms to a Titanic-sized finale. Ms. Dion would be jealous. It's emotional manipulation of the highest order -- and that's OK. Surrendering to it is called "enjoying music."

As if the first quotation wasn't bad enough, this is the (truncated) end of the review. I didn't realize that P-fork started hiring 15 yr old female lead singers tow write their reviews: "caused a flood of tears"..."missles locked onto emotional buttons." One's a cliche. The other makes no sense.

Ugh, and then we have to come back to the Dion reference? SERIOUSLY? And a "Titanic" one at that? I just puked in my mouth.

But, that's okay, "surrendering to it is called 'enjoying music.'"

Barf. I really wish I could come up with something high-minded or somewhat interesting to comment on besides "barf." But, if this is what you're giving me to work with, well, BARF.